QuikTips by Subject:The Think Space
The Think Space is a plan to help children take responsibility for their own behavioral choices while offering adults a safe and responsible way to remove themselves from the emotional loop of misbehavior. QuikTips Bundles
QuikTips is a series of short, practical articles that feature easy-to-use tools for low-stress child management. Bundled in small packets, and arranged by topic for easy reference. Main Menu
Everything you say to a child either builds him up or tears him down. |
What are QuikTips?QuikTips is a series of short, practical articles, written by Calvin and Carolyn Richert, that feature easy-to-use tools for low-stress child management. All techniques presented meet strict scientific and ethical guidelines and have been carefully "road-tested" for effectiveness in everyday use. Every method is thoroughly positive and, when used as intended, can help children develop skills of self-management, confidence, empathy and the many other positive character qualities needed in becoming well-adjusted, productive adults. Also available for purchase: QuikTips Bundles are pre-printed small packets, arranged by topic for easy reference. Motivating Children
"Mommy, Mommy! Kory's mom just invited me to have dinner with them. May I PLEASE?" "Is your homework done?" "No, but I'll do it as soon as I get home." "I'm sorry, Germaine. You know the rules. You'll need to stay home this time." "Oh Mom, that's not fair!" Germaine complains as he bursts into tears of disappointment. 
Germaine's kind-hearted mother is touched. It's so hard to see her son struggle with disappointment. She would love to let him go, but at what cost?
Weaning children from baby-style requests"Tyson is such a smart little sweetheart. At 20 months, he understands almost everything I ask him to do." Then, the young mother quickly got to her point. "But, when it comes to his asking for something -- needing a drink, going outside, asking for seconds -- he quickly reverts to pointing, bouncing and whining. In fact, he seems to forget his entire 250-word vocabulary." "Why wouldn't he?" I teased her gently. "Those ways of getting what he wants have served him well." 
Here's the deal. Tyson's mother wants him to 'use his words'. It's a great idea, but more easily said than done. Two adult habits quickly complicate such well-intended encouragement.
"Gimme's" and "Can I's" recycledYour family is at the table when four-year-old Victor blurts out, "Gimmie some more milk!" Your response is quick...and a bit irritated.
How a missing sense of importance influences behavior"Everyone is frustrated with Joey," his mother lamented. "He can hardly walk past another student in his class without hitting or disturbing them in some way." Joey began life as a normal, loveable child who interacted normally with other children. However, shortly after entering Kindergarten, he began hitting and otherwise disturbing his classmates.
How to help a child build a sense of importanceRemember last month's article, how a missing sense of importance led Joey to use some pretty irritating behavior? A lack of training before Kindergarten left him 'behind' in both academic and social skills. That led to feelings of inadequacy, which he counter-balanced with behaviors to 'prove' his significance.
Avoiding the unconscious put-down"You colored that picture nicely, honey, but next time, try to stay in the lines." It's something we all tend to do when we are asking a child to do something better 'next time'. at least, until we stop to think about that little word 'but'. Lou Tice, founder of the Pacific Institute, points out that, hidden in that little word 'but', lies a subtle put-down that we usually don't even think about. 1 It implies that something has happened that didn't come up to your standard of excellence. 2 Maybe your child did 'try' to stay in the lines.
Using incentives creatively and safely"How do you feel about using rewards to help children change behavior?" The question was to-the-point. But, it actually came from a mother who wanted me to agree that external incentives are a bad thing! Not that we 'crusade' in favor of rewards, but used appropriately, they can keep life interesting while helping children achieve goals they may not otherwise reach. Whether you are using rewards to change old habits or to achieve new goals, here are the 10 guidelines we use: 1. Use sparingly - We suggest only one reward-based 'project' at a time per child. 2. Form a workable plan and then explain it carefully and patiently. Clarify that the plan is to help them gain new beneficial goals or achievements.
We all say it without even thinking about the consequences. However, you'll immediately see that this change makes sense. Here it is: "If you finish your homework on time, then you may go to Vinny's game." - or some variation of that "if..then" theme. The problem lies in how that phrase is interpreted by the child. True, it's subtle, but still important. Here's the point: The word "if" introduces a note of doubt. In other words, while making permission conditional, you are also inserting a note of doubt that those conditions will be met. Read more: A Subtle Shift : Converting "if...then" phrases to "when...then" |
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